Who Am I?

I turned 38 a couple of weeks ago. 38!!! It sent me into a mini mid-life crisis.

I love the song “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman. I love the message and could listen to it on repeat till my kids scream! Over the past month I have more been pondering the line of the song that says, “this is who I’m meant to be, this is me!” It has got me thinking…

WHO AM I??

In an earlier post I mentioned that I got married 2 weeks after I graduated from high school. After that I went to 2 years of college and got an Associate Degree from a community college. We then moved to a 4 year school where I just worked full time. My husband was playing college baseball and wasn’t able to work. I continued to work up until the day we had our first baby. From that point on, I have been lucky enough to be able to stay home and take care of the kids full time.

I’ll admit there have been days during that time I wished I could go back to work. I think as stay at home moms sometimes we hunger for that adult interaction you get when you have a job.

It wasn’t until now, turning 38 and my first born entering high school, that I have really been pondering the questions,

WHO AM I?

What am I going to do when the kids are gone??

Surely I will not be content to still be a homemaker?!?!

There is this part of me that has been asking myself,

Have you lost yourself?

I look back on the past and part of me wishes I would have tried harder to get my education. I was a 4.0 student in High School. I should have gotten my degree. I look at my life now and have ZERO desire to go back to school. Not one little ounce of me!

It is hard for me to come up with an answer when people ask me what my hobbies and interests are. I have a lot of hobbies and interests that all revolve around my kids, but what are MY hobbies and interests???

These thoughts have also brought up a lot of body image issues within myself. I sit here and think I am 38. My “PRIME” has come and gone and most of those “PRIME” years were spent trying to get kids here. Yo-yoing 50 pounds up, work it off only to gain it back again.

I look at my Mom-bod and think what has happened to you, and you will never be the same again?! Sometimes, I am sad to think I missed out on my 20s and 30s hot body! I know that is really stupid!!

When me and Charlotte met up a few weeks ago we were talking about this. She was having some similar thoughts and is going through things in her life that are forcing her to make big changes. As we were talking, she said something that really stuck with me. She said something to the affect of we have to find what our passion is.

So I guess what I have come to realize during this mini mid-life crisis is that it is okay for my passion at this point in my life to be my kids. It is okay that when someone asks what I like to do, the answer is I like to support my kids in everything they do. It is okay that right now my passion is being involved in my kids education,trying to be an amazing team Mom, number 1 cheerleader, and working hard to earn the title of best launderer!

I am there when they get home, I am always there to pick them up, and I can drive hours to be at all their games even in the middle of the afternoon.

It is okay that my favorite hobby is taking a bath and sometimes the only adult conversation I have during the day is singing along with the radio in my car.

It is okay that when someone asks what I do in my spare time, the answer is “WHAT SPARE TIME!” I spend all of my time supporting my kids in everything they do.  Most of the time that means sacrificing things I love to do, so that my kids have every opportunity to find the thing or things that they love to do.

 

 

I know that someday soon I am going to miss the fact that my 15 year old thinks that my job is to be his personal assistant and that most of my day consists of being my kids UBER driver.

 

 

 

As for this Mom-bod, I am proud of it!! I have loose skin, stretch marks, and a little extra fluff here and there. I love to workout and try to find that hour in the day for myself even when most days it is at 8:00 at night.

This body has been through ALOT!!! I would give up my “PRIME” years over and over again to get these 4 amazing humans here!

My husband thinks I’m beautiful and tells me he loves my Mom-bod and I mostly believe him! That is all that matters right?!?!

 

So…hopefully when doubt sets in the next time, I will look back on this mini-mid life crisis and remember what I learned…

I have not lost ME, I have become this ME. I am not the ME I was when I was 20 and I am not the ME I will be when I am 60.

I am who I’m meant to be at this very moment in my life. When I ask myself, “Who am I?”

I can happily and proudly say, “THIS is ME!”

😘jill