it isn’t a fairytale

Once upon a time, in a land far far away (in her mind), lived a mom.

She sat at her computer reaching for a connection. This connection provided for her over and over again. It was an energy all consuming. She has felt it her whole life. This energy would roll out of her heart, into her fingertips and onto the pages before her. The words would flow like water down a stream and there was always more than enough. Today, she begs for it to find her…waiting. Nothing comes. She searches for the water and there is none. She is parched. The words aren’t flowing. There isn’t any reserve and not an ounce of inspiration.

Why does life work this way? 

Why do the answers not come when we seem to need them the most? 

Why does drive and desire wane in the face of difficulty?

I’ve been paying a lot attention to the word FEAR, lately. I’ve probably used that word 100+ times in the last few months. I desperately want to identify it within myself and within others. I want to understand it so that I can overcome it and recognize it for what it is.

If you asked me 6 months ago, if I I based my life around fear, I would have laughed and wondered if you actually knew me at all. There aren’t many things I fear.

I mean I do fear snakes, but other than that I can manage. Even then, I will sit in a room full of those creepy things (if they are contained), and watch a friend play with one like it’s her bestie. I can remain calm and stare it in the face.

I knew I needed to dig deep to figure this whole fear thing

out. The more I dug-scooped-shoveled up, the more I

realized that I in fact, had based a lot of my life and

decisions around fear. Especially, within my intimate

relationships; with my spouse, children and more

significantly, the relationship I have with me.

I remember years ago watching good ol’ Dr. Phil on the television. It was my afternoon obsession. I had three littles at home and it was before we owned a DVR. It’s when I folded laundry while the kids created disaster in the other part of our itty bitty home. AND…it was before his show turned into a controlled Jerry Springer reinvent. In this episode he was speaking of anger. He said that anger is a secondary emotion. The first emotions are always hurt/fear. He discussed how we feel the first emotion and don’t understand how to communicate it properly. In turn, many of us reach for something we know, something that makes us less vulnerable. Many use anger to cover that first emotion. Anger is easy. It makes one feel “in control” of their environment.

I’ve held on to that ever since. Every time I witnessed anger in someone else, I would wonder “what are they afraid of?”. I would try to have more compassion and empathy when handling a situation where anger was present. I would feel super wise about my diagnosis for these poor individuals. They obviously could not understand their own lives. I had determined many times that they never would. I would pat myself on the back and move on. In all of my YEARS of “investigation”, I never asked myself (eating humble pie) when I became angry (all the time)…

  “Sunny, what is your fear in this moment?”

Now looking back, I understand more clearly the emotion of fear. It isn’t crystal clear, however. I still get caught in its grasp occasionally. Particularly, when I’m taking a chance on myself or if I’m needing to completely walk by faith.

Fear always tries to come in right beside faith, take a hold of her hand and make her fall. I’ve learned to speak to it, the fear. I’ve learned how and when it rises up within me. What I now understand and what is probably the greatest truth ever, is that fear doesn’t have eyes. I can always count on that.

He doesn’t know how faith walks, what her next move is, when she will pause or if she will sprint. How then, could he trip her up?

He also can’t see that faith and me, we are actually like super friends. Faith, she has never made me ugly or scared or hurt or angry. Faith, fills me with hope and joy, love and peace.

When faith tells me to jump, I jump.